MUSIC: Nice & Easy radio station in d background… melancholic songs!
Last Friday, I went to a funeral. It was the funeral of a wonderful Scottish lady that i’ve know since I moved here (Brunei). Although I wasn’t really close to her or anything, she was a family friend and was always warm & welcoming when we visited her. All these while that I’ve known her, she has been sick & most of the time I’ve met her was when my family followed my dad for home visiting or when we just wanna go for a chat or Christmas carolling. I never really knew what she had, just that she had to be confined to the wheelchair & some speech & movement problems. Only during her funeral I found out she had Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Anyway, I really admire this lady because she is an epitome of (inner) strength and faith in God. All these while when i’ve met her she was always cheerful & kind. She had really, really nice cats too coz she loved cats. hehehe… But what I really admire in her was that she never gave up when she was sick and never let the sickness take over her life. How I wish we could all be like that… God bless her soul and May she rest in peace.
Anyway, last Friday’s funeral was actually the SECOND funeral I attended in a spand of 6 days. Two Thursdays ago my father’s uncle (my grand uncle) passed away. He had been batlling diabetes for years but no one expected that he would pass away. I mean, he’s still young, only abt 9 - 10 years older than my dad (my dad’s 53 this year).This grand uncle (I called him Q Kong- think it’s Kiu Kong or sth in Chinese) was the one who owns the eating place next to Cheery Berries (ala CB to u all Miri ppl la) called Base Camp. To those who have been to that area (CB, Sultana and Al Fresco) they probably know that BC belongs to my ‘uncle’. I always said it’s my uncle’s la… well, my dad’s cousins who ARE my uncle were the one who were there more often so I wans’t wrong la. Anyway, the funny this is, i never got in the late nights clubbing/ drinking scene coz I probably was scared of my uncles la. Of course that scene wasn’t my kind of thing too la, but if i wanted to I could but i just never did. Also probably one of the reason why I’m single coz some guy asked me to meet him & CB & I told him I’m not into clubbing. *in your face* hahahah…
Anyway, I had some good memories there when I once brought my friends (Voon, Jane (or izzit Yen Huah ya?) & Debbie) there for dinner before our ‘movie date’. (yeah, actually I ALMOST had a date that night, if I actually had d guts to tell my then-crush that i wanted to watch d same movie as the one he did. I never watched it in d end and these days when it’s on TV, I just switch it off or change channels. Hahaha...) All of us had steaks or sth like dat plus 3 extra dishes. i think 2 were omelettes (cheese omelletes, mind u) and one was french fries (did I ever tell u I learned d ’secret recipe’ of BC’s fries from one of my uncles? I won’t tel… ;p). 4 girls, 7 plates on the table! hahaha.. had fun there, making so much noise. Amazing how we managed to eat popcorn & had soft drinks during s movie (sadly, it was Lizzie McGuire d movie… oh hell shud be… hahaha… can’t say) Then after movies, we went to Riam (eh, no. It was taman Tunku!) to find this guy’s hse but never found it. We went to look 4 his his hse coz he told us to come by for a drink (hahaha… me drink? Orange juice can la. I was addicted to it then!). I thought i knew coz someone told me d hse we went to was HIS hse but it wasn’t. hahaha… we called him but he din answer til abt 1/2 hr later when we were in Riam having milo peng in one of our old hang outs when we were still in d Riam campus. imagine driving 40 minutes just to drink Milo peng? hahaha… we actually planned to go thr few times but only that one time we made it. Aunties! we shud meet up for milo peng & teh tarik soon!
Anyway, side tracked here… hehehe… I was talking abt my ‘uncle’. Anyway, my dad gre up with him. he was a jolly fellow & never did let his sickness take over his life. See, two people who left us, they both did not let sickness take over their lives. What about us? day in day out, we always comeplain of little pains. A little fever "oh, I can’t do anything. You do it.." (sound like d ‘kids’ in my hse!) headache "I cant go for group meeting. Just let me know wat u guys decide." or flu "Can’t come for class… Copy noted for me ya?" (heheheh… someone’s guilty of dat. but I was the one who offered to write notes… hahaha… who? Thr were TWO persons who were sick dat day. Take a guess who I meant la…) or worse… "I got period la. can’t stand up. You do what we discussed la. tell so & so I’m sick" (ROLF… THAT is someone I know’s "trademark" excuse. hahaha… Who? if u know u know la). Sometimes we need to stop & think, that’s something so petty, so small. Why do we let this hinder us from functioning like we normally do. What about those who had real disease & sickness. Those who had to change their lifestyles all year long, for many years. What about those who had no one to help them? These days, i try not to let this little ‘pains’ get in my way. (Hello, I just practically ‘cooked/ fried’ my hand two Wednesdays ago when hot boilinhg oil splashed on my hand. I still continuesd cooking, washing up & sweeping that day (thought later that day I had THE ‘breakdown’. Maybe I was too preoccupied already or I subconsciously willed it to happened. I dunno la.) Just try to get wat has to be done, done. Lots of grumbling & all that but still it’s done. Not to say i’m a saint or something, it’s one of the thinhgs I’ve come to ‘learn’ to do to ['better' myself & not be so full of 'pains'. hahah... Pain in the @ss got la... the two monkeys at home la.
Actually, this 2 months hasn't really been this 'happy' kinda months. This 2 months, 4 people I knew has left us. The first was my uncle who's my mom's cousin (but since his son-my cousin- married my mom's sis, he's also my 'grand uncle la... weird family. go figure it out urself). All of a sudden, my mom got a call early morning from my aunt. It was kinda shocking la. Then abt 2 or 3 weeks ago, my cousin's grandpa (my mom's youngest sister's father-in-law) passed away. Then was my grand uncle and then our family friend. This year, I've been to 3 funerals- one was d owner of my apartment who's also a family friend (his children & grandshildren are our family friends too). Then the two I mentioned. I didn't attend the two funerals of my mom's sisters's father-in-law coz they were in Kuching la...
It makes me think, life is so fragile. Today everything's ok, tomorrow... who knows? Lately, i've been geeting close to my loved ones & my very very close friends. I can't imagine how is it if hey were gone... it's like avery part of my being are made up of them. Can u imagine one of ur organ's gone? Exactly. Since young, we've been told to "Forgive & Forget". How many of us do that? I know, most of us tend to do the forget part (forget each other, forget our friends, forget all d sacrifices people had made for us... etc) but the forgive part... Forgive & forget isn't easy. We always forget the good things that happens but remembers all d bad one & never forgives. Thought I don't tell them, Most of the people who have hurt me... i've forgiven them... Not all coz it's still hard to forgive but yes, I'm working on it.
How is it that i can forgive some certain people. Since we r on d topic of death, there was a time I really felt like dying & nearly committed suicide in front of those who hurt me. We were in a condo, 10th floor & was having my first & last row/argumenht/ fight in my entire uni life. Can u imagine I never actually quarrel with anyone like that. Not even with my family. 3 against one... When I burst out crying I just felt like dying. My own friend whose back i've saved so many times & who I've backed endlessly didn't bother to back me up but joined the 'fun'. FYI< those who started it, u don't actually know me that well to say anything so I dunno why things got so out of hanhd. I was so devastated and broken hearted. Seriously, I never had a guy break my heart but a dear friend did it to me. iI was so broke, I wanted to rush out to the balcony & jump down!!! seriously, it was THAT bad. Dunno how u guys felt after that but i was in constanht depression after that (and failed my mid term... I never fail Mid terms!! I get either the highest or average but never fail!!!).
After that incident, for a week I wished I had jumped coz at least if I died, the would be blamed for it & they wud rot in prison for committing homicide. THAT was bad. I mean, I never think of things THAT bad before! I mean, i probably haf thought of small little revenge thingy like getting a person in trouble by not doing sth & blaming them or sth but NEVER something sinister or that could ruin their lives. but in That split second that i nearly jumped off d chair & off d balcony, I thought of it. Thank God, God was with me & my guardian angel too ( I believe in guardian angels & I think it's probably my baby bro that died 21 years ago... I mean, i've faced danger b4 but things always happen that danger would miss me by mere seconds or mere inches...) coz after I felt like diving off d balcony at around 3am (during d quarrel), I couldn't get off d seat. I was crying badly (I've never cried that bad in front of friends except in NZ but it has nth to do with quarrelling... it was a GOOD cry then, not a BAD one) at that time but suddenly I lose all my strenght & energy. It felt like someone held me down & whispered to me "Don't!" That moment (I never told anyone elke) things start to flash by my eyes... Family, friends, things I love, places I love... even Sunshine! it was weird but Sunshine came last, like d final thing that sealed my decision NOT to jump. It's so weird. Then I've not seen him for nearly 5 months. yet my final flash back was him... *sigh* dunno la. ;p
Since the day, for that one week of extreme depresion (never had one so bad. Even my other friends got so worried coz I barely spoke- i'm a constant noise maker & bullsh!tter, kept away from them, wore black & no make up- no make up?? it's like me being 'possessed' coz i almost never don't wear make up & if i wear black... ish-, din smile & all that) d idea of suicide popped in & out of my head but I never did it coz it was like a source of greater power that stopped me. hell, I had knives (abt 10) at home, rat poison, saw & all dat scary stuffs but i never touched any coz i just din wanna do that. It would just be like serving some people (not naming them but i know a bunch. probably abt 10 or so but could be more) satisfaction on a golden & diamond platter! [[ironically, now the song on the radion is "I'm no Superwoman". d fight was abt my commitment... Izzah u fight them & tell them who lacks commitment. not me]] Reading back an old post in my other blog (dat was the old layout… my current blog is here.), I was really some f*cked up person that whole month. Hell, practically no one remembere my birthday, except some close frens… maybe only 10-15 people remembered. that was sad. Where were my ‘family’? hahaha… they were to preoccupied abt other things, they din even see or say hi to me when I was standing in FRONT of their eyes. Sad. But anyway, I was one sick person la back them. My soul was like so black coz of hurt, anger & hatred….
Life should never be taken lightly. These days I try not to let hurt, anger & hatred eat me up… of course I’m only human. they are times I wished that d earth would just swallow some peole whoever they are that annoys me. But I try to forgive as much as I could and forget what ever that bring me no good. Mom said "let go to look foward to what is ahead." That i try to follow. Though mom did also said "Forget your old friends. Thy are no use to you. See how they have forgotten you and what can they do for you now?" That I try not to follow 100% coz I know they are soem of my friend hanging tough out there for me & like wise, I try to. Of course, I know that Jaja & Ai Ling are always there for me & wud do anything for me. And so would I.
Life is short. Life is NOT meaningless. One person can make an impact on many lives in different ways. Ways that we do not know of. Only God knows. As useless as we feel we are, we are special in other people’s eyes and most of all in God’s eyes. To anyone & everyone who I have hurt & done anything bad in the past… "I’m sorry…" and to those who haf hurt me bad… "I forgive you. or Am trying to." Do I wanna commit suicide? Hell No! There’s to much in life that I’ll miss. My family, my friends, things I love, places I love, all d great beauty in life, great books, music & films (my first loves!) and hot guys (I know THE ONE is out there…) too, to name a few… hehehe… love life, aprreciate life. Celebrate Life (hey, isn’t this some tagline for Malaysian cancer Society? I love it!).
To the ones that have left us, we miss u. Let us not mourn their leaving but celebrate their lives and what they have done/ contributed in their lifetime. make them your ‘idols’ in living your lives. I know i try to. Only time would tell how things would turn out. up til then, i’ll just live my life to d fullest to b who i am. 
I pray that I could.
P/S: I still miss you all & Yes, I love you all my friends. hahahah… So weird to say that.
PP/S:Johnna if u read this, love u bro! Thank God u were thr coz that nite when u hugged me (those few times b4 I left) it was u who held me up coz I was so weak & tired. The rest, I couldnt really count on holding me up s u did. I’ll always remember what u whispered to me. Thank you bro. (thanks 4 never being involved in all d ‘conspiracy’ that happened d last few months i was in uni! hehehe… To Izzah too, Love u girl. A daughter a mom cud count on. hehehe… )
[[Lisstening to "Those were the Days" on radio]] >> Those were the days, yeah when life was simpler… when we were innocent & naive. The world has corrupted us!
PPP/S: Ja, I know i’m always stubbourn and never listen to u, so yeah, I had it coming. But it’s what we’ve been through that makes us stronger right? Thanks 4 ur advice & comfort SMSes. I freaked u right?
PPPP/S: Thanks for being there for me too that time. And yes, thanks for your ‘help’. I wonder if he found out or lies? U wanna add him in MSN to ‘chat him up’ again? 
PPPPP/S: Kalau u terasa… sorry la. This is straight from my heart. All 2 hours of it. Just need to let everything out slowly so i can move on. I never mention names right? and I keep my promise not to.
